What happened to my husband’s balls?

Balls

My husband was neutered today.  I did feel bad, but I went out of my way to make emasculating jokes every chance I got.  Luckily my husband has a great sense of humor and we were both able to laugh about the entire procedure, making the best of an uncomfortable situation.

Here he is in the waiting room.  He looks happy now, sort of.  But soon he will no longer have the urge to hump my leg, and that will be sad.

 

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I was really hoping to have had a mason jar with a couple of balls waiting for him when he came out into the waiting room, but just didn’t have the time, maybe for Christmas.  I wasn’t really sure of what to get someone after their balls are removed, is there a gift list for something like this? a subscription to Cosmo maybe, a chick flick, jewelry, a vibrator?  I don’t know, but I am disappointed he wasn’t sent home with a cone to prevent him from licking and scratching down below.

 

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I suppose now that he is practically a woman I will be expected to compliment him more, notice his new haircut, and tell him he looks pretty.  The change started as soon as we left the doctors too.  I had to not only get the car door for him, but drive him home as well.  I did tell him that when we got home I was going to sit him on the couch and put in ‘The Notebook’, feed him some chocolate, and maybe let him borrow my pink snuggie.  He didn’t argue, just humored me.

 

Here is a glimpse into some of the remarks and conversation we had at his expense.

 

Me: “When I run into Rite Aid to get your prescription, do you want me to pick up pads or tampons for you?”

 

Batman: ——

 

Me: “Is it numb?”

 

Batman: “Yes.”

 

Me: “Can I flick it?”

 

Batman: “No!”

 

Me: “Why not? it’s numb.”

 

Batman: “Stay away from me.”

 

Me: “Just once, let me flick it, or pinch it.”

 

Batman: “No! Get away.”

 

Me: “Whatever. Can you get hard?”

 

Batman: “Probably, but I don’t want to.”

 

(Invitation- Muhahahahaha)

 

Me: “So if we talk about me with another woman, would that get you hard?”

 

Batman: “You’re a bitch.”

 

Me: “I told you I would let another woman go down on me, does that turn you on. I would suck a boob and lick a nipple.”

 

Batman: “Knock it off!”

 

Me: “Haha- are you getting hard?”

 

Batman: “Yes.”

 

(Laughing like an evil bitch)

 

Me: “Well, I would let you watch. Maybe participate.  I would have no problem making out with another woman, feel her tongue in my mouth, lick her lips. I bet that would be fun.  Are you getting harder?”

 

Batman: “I hate you.”

 

Me: “Hahahaha! Let me touch it.”

 

Batman: “No!”

 

So that was just the ride home.  Once we got home I asked him if his breast were tender, or if they were leaking.  Then I went on to ask him if he was sitting when he went pee.  I proceeded to call him lady for the rest of the night.

 

I know my husband is in pain and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have someone slice into my balls, but I don’t have to- I gave birth to three kids and those fuckers hurt coming out.  So as much as I feel bad, I love to laugh and have a good time with my husband more.  I am happy that in a few weeks, or 25 ejaculations according to the doctor, we can go at it like bunnies, with no concerns of making any more cock-blockers (babies).

 

All kidding aside, my husband is ‘The Man’, I love him even more for getting this done, and for putting up with my taunting all day.  Once he feels better I will take him dress shopping then out for brunch where we will celebrate his feminine side while sipping mimosas.

 

After that, I will bring him home and kiss his balls to ease the pain.  See?  I’m a good wife!

 

“Type hard!  Like you mean it!”

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21 thoughts on “What happened to my husband’s balls?

  1. Yep, yep, yep. This is what we guys get for doing the right thing… ah, women. — Haha – yeah, you gotta take you’re shots when the opportunities arise! But then, def make nice nice by actually doing that last thing you mentioned there – I’m sure he’ll appreciate the effort 😀

  2. I was once told that geldings (neutered male horses) tend to be attracted to, and attempt to mate with, other geldings. Not that I’m suggesting your (very brave!) husband is a horse, but maybe watch him around the dudes for a bit…

    I also laughed out loud, and on the bus, so thanks for that 😉

  3. Ouch! That is harsh.

    My wife was not nearly this mean when we had it done. Had she thought about it, she would have though.

    The most awkward part of the process was when the Dr.’s hot nurse came and sat beside me while he was snipping away at my junk…and proceeds to have a discussion about the house they almost bought but it didn’t work out.

    My wife was sitting in the corner trying not to laugh.

    • Haha– I know, I’m evil!!

      I wasn’t allowed in with my hubby, but the first thing he said to me when he got out was, “I didn’t expect a nurse to be in there holding my junk, she was cute too. But they were trying to distract me with small talk.” It must be a vasectomy thing, sounds similar to your story.

  4. Dye, you are fabulous! I just laughed out so loud at my desk in full view of my office for the “cone” notion because it immediately made me think of my friend’s dog who got his nuts chopped.

    Batman seems like a cool dude too 🙂

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