Definition: Par-ent-hood noun
A sexually transmitted disease caused by the inability to think straight during throes of passion. An infection of sorts, causing lifelong trauma to the human psyche.
While there is no immediate cure, studies have found that Parenthood will often come to a halt after years of pain and suffering, finally ending with ones own sweet, sweet death. The journey to this recovery is a long drawn out process, one to which you will experience the following symptoms:
Bleeding from ears
Constant ringing sounds
Heightened sensitivity to clutter
Lack of personal space
Loss of breathe
Bouts of fury and rage
Elevated stress levels
While some symptoms are more severe than others, be cautioned. Moments of euphoria will occur from time to time, giving the illusion and false pretense that contracting the disease was well worth it. One might notice moments of euphoria in the lives of others with this disease and be led to believe that Parenthood is in fact not as severe as it sounds. Don’t be blinded by the hype. For every euphoric moment, a double dose of what the fuck will immediately follow.
Please be informed and make educated decisions to prevent contracting this life debilitating disease. Precautions that one could take to help keep Parenthood at bay, include but are not limited to:
Removal of libido
Masturbation as the only form of pleasure
Double bagging it
Sally was an active member of society until she contracted Parenthood and died a miserable death.
You seem so happy not being able to do everything you wanted to do in life, way to control your Parenthood!
Some days I am faced with two choices : Laugh or Cry, today I chose laugh. I truly do love being a mother. Believe it or not, my kids were all planned pregnancies. That’s right, I did this to myself (well, my hubby helped), but I do question why some days. Not in a serious “why” way, but more of a joking, ha ha, I’m losing my fucking mind kind of way.
Being a mom was my big goal, my aspiration in life. Some people might think that’s crazy, let’s face it, just about any woman can get knocked up. I didn’t dream of going to college and working my way up some corporate ladder though. I had dreams of being home with kids. Of course the home in my dreams had unicorn riding fairies that would come in and keep things neat and tidy, while the little leprechauns, wait, not leprechauns- those fuckers creep me out. While little
trolls, wizards, magicians, elves filled the house with laughter and joy. That’s the type of stupid shit you dream of before you have kids. I know now that it’s not fairies and elves, but more like a tutu wearing, PMS suffering Satan on a mission to reek havoc by creating loud constant shrieking. Like the “most annoying sound in the world” from ‘Dumb and Dumber’, only more annoying and less funny. Even with all that said, I do love being a mom. Parenthood is one of the best things to have happened in my life. Without it, I would probably be somewhere sipping Mimosas poolside while mute men rub me down and feed me grapes, who the fuck wants that? or I could have ended up in a dead end job, doing the same thing day in and day out, wishing for more out of life. That would more likely have been the case. Either way– I love my job! I love my job! I love my job! If you say it enough, you start to believe it.
“Type hard. Like you mean it!”