Par-ent-hood: a sexually transmitted disease

 

parenthood

Definition: Par-ent-hood  noun

A sexually transmitted disease caused by the inability to think straight during throes of passion.  An infection of sorts, causing lifelong trauma to the human psyche.

While there is no immediate cure, studies have found that Parenthood will often come to a halt after years of pain and suffering, finally ending with ones own sweet, sweet death.  The journey to this recovery is a long drawn out process, one to which you will experience the following symptoms:

Bleeding from ears

Constant ringing sounds

Heightened sensitivity to clutter

Claustrophobia

Lack of personal space

Loss of breathe

Bouts of fury and rage

Heart palpitations

Elevated stress levels

Migraine headaches

Hair loss

Bleeding tongue

Monetary limitations

While some symptoms are more severe than others, be cautioned.  Moments of euphoria will occur from time to time, giving the illusion and false pretense that contracting the disease was well worth it.  One might notice moments of euphoria in the lives of others with this disease and be led to believe that Parenthood is in fact not as severe as it sounds.  Don’t be blinded by the hype.  For every euphoric moment, a double dose of what the fuck will immediately follow.

Please be informed and make educated decisions to prevent contracting this life debilitating disease.  Precautions that one could take to help keep Parenthood at bay, include but are not limited to:

Abstinence

Removal of libido

Masturbation as the only form of pleasure

Double bagging it

Suicide

Examples:

Sally was an active member of society until she contracted Parenthood and died a miserable death.

You seem so happy not being able to do everything you wanted to do in life, way to control your Parenthood!

PARENTHOOD:

Some days I am faced with two choices : Laugh or Cry, today I chose laugh.  I truly do love being a mother.  Believe it or not, my kids were all planned pregnancies.  That’s right, I did this to myself (well, my hubby helped), but I do question why some days.  Not in a serious “why” way, but more of a joking, ha ha, I’m losing my fucking mind kind of way.

Being a mom was my big goal, my aspiration in life.  Some people might think that’s crazy, let’s face it, just about any woman can get knocked up.  I didn’t dream of going to college and working my way up some corporate ladder though.  I had dreams of being home with kids.  Of course the home in my dreams had unicorn riding fairies that would come in and keep things neat and tidy, while the little leprechauns, wait, not leprechauns- those fuckers creep me out.  While little trolls, wizards, magicians, elves filled the house with laughter and joy.  That’s the type of stupid shit you dream of before you have kids.  I know now that it’s not fairies and elves, but more like a tutu wearing, PMS suffering Satan on a mission to reek havoc by creating loud constant shrieking.  Like the “most annoying sound in the world” from ‘Dumb and Dumber’, only more annoying and less funny.  Even with all that said, I do love being a mom.  Parenthood is one of the best things to have happened in my life.  Without it, I would probably be somewhere sipping Mimosas poolside while mute men rub me down and feed me grapes, who the fuck wants that? or I could have ended up in a dead end job, doing the same thing day in and day out, wishing for more out of life.  That would more likely have been the case.  Either way– I love my job!  I love my job! I love my job!  If you say it enough, you start to believe it.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

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8 thoughts on “Par-ent-hood: a sexually transmitted disease

  1. This is fucking awesome. My wife expresses regret some days for not having a third, but inside we both cry tears of joy when watching our friend’s two year old who shows what life would be like again.

    • While I don’t regret the decision, I question it….often. When we were pregnant with the 3rd, we said “hell, let’s have one more after this, so they will be close in age”. Ugh! Sometimes we say “we were home free– what were we thinking?” It has it’s moments.

  2. This was awesome, Dye! Loved it and you nailed it! My 14-year-old son just had a sleepover birthday party with 9 other 14-year-old boys and I thought it would either; a) ruin my marriage or b) land me in jail. In fact, it was so bad, that I had to write an entire post on it. My vision of providing home baked snacks while they calmly watched a movie was quickly replaced by wrestling matches, blood and a full out nasty mama meltdown. Funny though…I still loved them all the next day even though the previous evening had been filled with empty threats, bad words and a scary-mom-in-glasses-and-PJs visit at 3 a.m. We survive more than we don’t and ultimately love them more when the battle subsides.
    Also loved your preamble to your post. You are way braver than me, but never once have I been offended by your language. In fact, I love it! You sound like my best friend whose favorite thing to do is drop F-bombs in the most inappropriate places. It’s endearing, real and completely honest.
    Sorry to ramble! I can’t wait to read more!
    Michelle

    • LOL– I can’t even imagine having that many kids in my house….on purpose. I’m the worst when it comes to play-dates because, like you— I have visions of peace and calm moments while we sit in the craft room and make necklaces. Hahaha– never happens that way.

  3. Haha! I think you should be proud of the fact that other parents found this offensive. It shows thst you have a sense of humour. Maybe they were just groggy due to lack of sleep. If only they had somewhere to vent, like…a blog maybe.

  4. Ha! Last night I told me wife that I don’t think I like parenting anymore. She said I was such a liar. I tried several more times to convince her, but to no avail.

    The funny thing is, our kids are unbelievably trouble free and I still want to tell them they can go camp out in the woods.

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