In case you were wondering, we don’t put crayons in our vagina. Not in my house anyway.
Some days I’m surprised by what I have to tell my kids and other days I’m so immune to the shit that comes out of my mouth it’s not even funny. I don’t remember being taught some of these lessons as a child, but I must have been…..right? I mean—-I’m not shoving crayons up my hoo-ha now that I’m an adult. I just assumed that some things went without saying. I’ve compiled a list of things I have had to say to my kids. Most of them seem like no brainers. Keep in mind that my kids are 7 months old, 20 months old, 11 years old and 14 years old, and all girls. You’d be surprised at which kid had to be told what, not as obvious as one might think. But I’ll leave that to you to draw your own conclusions.
“We don’t put crayons in our vagina.”
“Don’t touch your poop.”
“Don’t repeat that at school.”
“When I said don’t write on the walls……of course I meant the ceiling too.”
“Mumma was just being silly when I said, “eat the baby”. We don’t really eat the baby.”
“Don’t touch the cat’s butt!”
“I don’t want to stare at your poop. Flush the toilet.”
“Did you remember to wipe?”
“We don’t leave used tampons on the sink! I don’t care if it’s wrapped in toilet paper.”
“No- you can’t play with a piece of raw chicken.”
“Don’t lick ______.” The cat, the table, my leg, my feet.
“Don’t smell ______.” The Garbage, the cat’s butt, my feet.
“Fingers out of ______.” Your diaper, your nose, my nose, your sisters nose, the outlet, the cat’s bowl, the cats puke, my face, my ear, my mouth, my hair, the peanut butter, the jelly.
“No- Silly—-you are not a “pot head”, you just have a pan on your head.”
“Oh. No-no. “Douche bag” is a bad word, not a real bag– don’t use that word.”
“Don’t smell that.”
“Don’t touch that.”
“Don’t eat that.”
“Don’t lick that.”
“What is that?”
“Type hard! Like you mean it.”