“We don’t put crayons in our vagina”……and other things I’ve said to my kids.

crayons

In case you were wondering, we don’t put crayons in our vagina. Not in my house anyway.

Some days I’m surprised by what I have to tell my kids and other days I’m so immune to the shit that comes out of my mouth it’s not even funny. I don’t remember being taught some of these lessons as a child, but I must have been…..right? I mean—-I’m not shoving crayons up my hoo-ha now that I’m an adult. I just assumed that some things went without saying. I’ve compiled a list of things I have had to say to my kids. Most of them seem like no brainers. Keep in mind that my kids are 7 months old, 20 months old, 11 years old and 14 years old, and all girls. You’d be surprised at which kid had to be told what, not as obvious as one might think. But I’ll leave that to you to draw your own conclusions.

“We don’t put crayons in our vagina.”

“Don’t touch your poop.”

“Don’t repeat that at school.”

“When I said don’t write on the walls……of course I meant the ceiling too.”

Seriously!!  Those are marks left behind from trying to erase all the little drawings and outlines of feet. Ugh!

Seriously!! Those are marks left behind from trying to erase all the little drawings and outlines of feet. Ugh!

“Mumma was just being silly when I said, “eat the baby”. We don’t really eat the baby.”

“Don’t touch the cat’s butt!”

“I don’t want to stare at your poop. Flush the toilet.”

“Did you remember to wipe?”

“We don’t leave used tampons on the sink! I don’t care if it’s wrapped in toilet paper.”

“No- you can’t play with a piece of raw chicken.”

“Don’t lick ______.” The cat, the table, my leg, my feet.

“Don’t smell ______.” The Garbage, the cat’s butt, my feet.

“Fingers out of ______.” Your diaper, your nose, my nose, your sisters nose, the outlet, the cat’s bowl, the cats puke, my face, my ear, my mouth, my hair, the peanut butter, the jelly.

“No- Silly—-you are not a “pot head”, you just have a pan on your head.”

“Oh. No-no. “Douche bag” is a bad word, not a real bag– don’t use that word.”

“Don’t smell that.”

“Don’t touch that.”

“Don’t eat that.”

“Don’t lick that.”

“What is that?”

 

 

“Type hard! Like you mean it.”

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17 thoughts on ““We don’t put crayons in our vagina”……and other things I’ve said to my kids.

  1. Just the other day I had to tell my 3 year old to, “Get the floatie off of your head, and for the love of GOD, stop kissing your sandwich,”. My all time lol moment was when she was younger and I had to yell from outside, “NO! We don’t pour milk up the dog’s butt,”. Even the neighbors had a laugh that day 🙂

  2. I once had to tell my daughter that Froot Loops were not meant for decorating her nipples. Like, I don’t want to make you feel self-conscious about your body but can you please remove the cereal from your nipples and put a shirt on?

  3. OMG! I’m laughing out loud! Douche Bag and Pothead had me rolling. Those are priceles! Imagine what throwing a neighbor boy into the mix will do for your future rules!
    The favorite one at my house (son 14, daughter 19) “Quit licking your sister!!”

  4. Haha! I think of writing this same post all the time! Usually right after something really weird comes out of my mouth that I’ve just yelled to my 19 month old son. 🙂

    • I think those would be some funny things to read, especially about boys. I know I’ve said a lot more, but when I said “we don’t put crayons in our vagina” yesterday, I was like….”what did I just say?”, and it was a completely normal sentence. LOL Parenting is crazy!

      • Haha! Parenting is definitely crazy! Maybe I’ll start making a list and do the post after all. The no crayons in our vagina is hilarious though! Not sure I can come close to that. 🙂

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