I once heard that if you want to talk dirty and not sound like a complete idiot, that you should just say what you are doing at the time. So if you are kissing someone, you would say, “I love the way your lips taste,” etc. This sounds easier said than done. I mean you really could go a hundred different directions with this if you just say what you are thinking or doing.
“I feel your cold sore.”
“I love the smell of garlic.”
“I’m about to put my lips on yours and try not to think about you spitting in my mouth.”
Even with a simple thing like someone reaching into your pants, if you say the wrong thing the mood can quickly turn.
“Say hello to my little friend.” Men should not say this……neither should a woman, if a lady says this, you might want to look for an Adams apple.
Talking dirty is difficult enough, but sexting adds an entirely new element. But at least it gives you time to plan out what you want to say, so take your time. I figured out a way to sext and not be entirely awkward about it. I follow the same concept as talking dirty, but you text about your day instead, with a little creative editing of course.
Here’s are some helpful editing tips and sext suggestions.
“I’m on my knees thinking of you.”
“I’m on my knees thinking of you while I clean the piss off the toilet.”
“I’m so wet!”
“I’m so wet because I’m busy washing a sink full of dishes.”
“My nipples are hard.”
“My nipples are hard because it’s fucking freezing outside and you forgot to take out the trash.”
“Tea-bagging sounds like a good idea.”
“Tea-bagging sounds like a good idea, those warm bags will feel good on my puffy eye, seeing how I didn’t sleep…again…because you fucking snore”
“I’m going to suck you off.”
“I’m going to suck you off the couch with this vacuum, damn popcorn! dropped while watching the game.”
And remember that auto-correct is a bitch, so double check your sext before you hit send.
“I want to kick your puppy” <—- is an actual text I received from my husband. I was like, “What the fuck does that mean?”. It should have read, “I want to lick your pussy.” Anyway, it turned out to be pretty funny thanks to a combination of not paying attention and auto-correct*. My husband has been kicking the puppy ever since, I’m now a firm believer in animal abuse.
My husband never did say anything about a banana-hammock like my title implies though, but I just love that word. Banana-hammock, banana-hammock, banana-hammock.
Anyways….. If all else fails, send a picture of your boobies, men like boobies.
Then again, if you’ve been doing chores all day. You deserve a full body massage, or an uninterrupted nap, and some alone time…. after an orgasm from having your puppy kicked of course. Maybe a new husband, one that’s less of a slob and not such and inconsiderate fuck.
*Before you go typing “lick your pussy” into your iPhone to see if that would auto-correct. My hubby sent that message to me on an old cell phone using T9word, before iPhones–remember those days?….way back when.
“Type hard. Like you mean it!”