52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 22

mr2

“Shut up and dance with me!” Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Sound’.

It’s Friday, so I decided to dance around like a fool in celebration. What about the weekend am I celebrating you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask. That’s okay, because I really don’t celebrate the weekends anyways. It was a lie, all lies!!!

I’m a mom, I don’t get weekends you silly dork!

I do like to dance around the house in the morning when everyone is asleep though. I  celebrate the silence, because silence is golden, like a nice warm golden shower. Um…erm anyways… that got awkward, but hey, speaking of being pee’d on. Don’t do it! Stop it!

No, I really don’t care if you’re into that, unless you are randomly peeing on people that are not into it, that just makes you a douche. Don’t be a douche. Although a douche would be better than pee.

Oh dear, sometimes I should plan out what I’m going to say before I start typing.

goldenshowers496

…and no, jelly fish stings are not an exception, just a myth. So stop looking for excuses to pee on people! Geez! :p

If anything, we learned:

I don’t celebrate the weekends.

I don’t want to be pee’d on.

I’d rather be douched?

Only pee on people that consent to it.

Jelly fish stings are not the exception.

Not having a plan, keeps it real!

 

Now come on, SHUT UP AND DANCE with me!

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

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52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 17

mr

“My mind wanders and I get lost in thoughts of you.” Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Mirrored’.

I’ve had this idea in my head for a few days now. I love getting lost in thought. I do that often. Close my eyes and daydream, remembering moments, and fantasizing about new ones. Imagination is a wonderful thing.

I’ve gotta say, it’s difficult trying to keep a straight face when my husband is groping my boobs and trying to make me laugh. That….and having a boner resting against my back side. It happens. The things I have to suffer through for my art. No, no… don’t feel bad for me, I asked for it…over and over again. 😀

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I love going through the photos after I take them and finding stuff like this. lol

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

My Boobs Aren’t Offensive, My Friends Are Uptight.

coffeemr

I have been slacking off in the writing department for far too long now. Like I said in my last post, way back when……like way back…like back in April back.

I’ve been a little busy with my photography and taking more self-portraits than any one person needs. But it’s my hobby, it’s fun, and I’m a bit narcissistic – so that makes it okay, right? Sure it does. Just agree with me.

Now with all of my photos I never show my bits or pieces, I just do implied nudity or suggestive photos. Let’s say boudoir style, it sounds better. It’s the genre I enjoy.

Recently I took the above photo of myself after seeing a similar photo on Pinterest. I loved it and had to recreate it. Yes…. had too!! So yeah- that’s me up there. Steamy!!

After taking the shot I shared it with my friends on Facebook. I say friends because my photos are set to be view by my friends only.

What floors me is that the photo was reported to Facebook for “nudity/pornography.” Huh?

First of all, nothing even shows in it.

Second of all, who the hell claims to be a friend and then does that?

Regardless, the photo is still on Facebook and I refuse to take it down on my own. I don’t see anything wrong with it. I think it’s tasteful, don’t you?

I still don’t know who reported the image or why, but I’m trying to get over it and move on.

It didn’t so much piss me off, but it hurt that someone I consider a friend would do that. I’m not an asshole and if they politely came to me I would have removed it or asked them to just un-friend me. The photo is not the most offensive photo that I have taken or posted. My language on Facebook is far more offensive than my photos would ever be so I’m surprised that an image would offend them at all.

After calming down a little I remembered a few things.

I like me.
I like my photos.
Some people are cunts.
When people tell me to stop doing something, the more I want to say “screw you.”

So I took this self-portrait below and posted it on Facebook the day after. I hope they got my message. Muhahahaha!!

fuckyoumr

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

Happy Bunny Day!

Bunnyearslr

 

Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Sunday, whether you celebrate Easter or not.  I haven’t been the best at blogging but wanted to at least spread some cheer.  I’ve been taking a lot of self portraits lately and figured I could at least share some of those if nothing else.  Yes, that’s me.  I’m fucking hot, I know. Hahaha!  Yeah, yeah… I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m really not that over confident either. You’d never know it, but I fake it, I mean my confidence of course.  We know that I would never fake anything else!

My sister-in-law had a few lollipops made for me and I took some photos to show her how much I enjoyed them.  Hope you can get a chuckle out of them too.  They were naughty and delicious, just a couple of my favorite things.

bunnylr

 

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

Vagina, Vagina, Vagina – It’s just a word!

vagina

Unless you work at an OBGYN office I’m pretty sure you don’t say vagina enough during the course of the day. Me? I say vagina all day, everyday. I say it mostly to irritate my 11 year old daughter. Why? Because I’m a jerk like that, that’s why.  Did I mention she hates the word vagina? (hence the me being a jerk part).

See….I’ve been in the process of teaching my toddler that this thing is called a vagina.  Because as a parent, you need to teach your children things and spend time with them every so often so that they think you really care.

I thought about teaching her other names for it, but I think that would really confuse the kid.  Like “wipe your flower”, sounds like you should smell it, or “that’s your pee-pee”– if that’s your “pee-pee” then what do you call the actual pee?  or “that’s your privates”– sounds like it’s that thing we don’t speak of— like Voldemort, Candyman, or how I devoured 10 boxes of Girl Scout cookies on my own over the course of 3 days. So yeah, I think it’s easier to stick with the actual name…..vagina!

Wait….I went off on a tangent there.  Anyway, for some reason my 11 year old thinks that it is completely inappropriate to say vagina, which is strange because she tells me that she looks forward to swearing.  Go figure.  Kids are dumb! Her repulsion to the word and her constant protest, “stop staying that!” is just encouragement for me to say it more, I already told you that I’m a jerk like that. I’m trying to help her get over her disgust with the word vagina and be immune to hearing it. It’s just a word for crying out loud. Right?

During the course of the holidays I had my in-laws over at my home. With the exception of a couple of them, they are far more conservative than I will ever be. By the end of the night however I had everyone saying vagina like it was a common household greeting. It’s stuff like this that makes me feel like I’m winning at life…..pathetic I know. It’s the little things.

I was really making progress with my daughter though, she was starting to see that there really was no big deal with the word vagina.  I mean even her grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles were saying it. But I think my next conversation might have ruined any progress I made with her and I’m pretty sure she lost all respect for me at the same time.

I was in a room with my mother, husband, and my three daughters (my step-daughter was not there):

Me: “Hey! Guess what we all have in common?”
11 year old: “What?”
Me: “We’ve all touched my vagina at one point.”

Aaaannnnnnddd……..that’s where I lost her.

Every once in a while she seems comfortable with me saying vagina, that’s when I take the opportunity to ask her how she feels about the word “penis.”

Muhahahaha……..

It’s a vicious cycle, but I have to entertain myself.

Vagina, Vagina, Vagina! As Dora the Explorer would say, “Say it with me.”

I’ve obviously been watching a lot of Nick Jr. lately. Sigh……

If you could use a good laugh and are curious about what other vagina names there are then just follow the link below for some alternative suggestions. But read all of my shit first….then go there….then come back and read more. Okay? Good. Here you go:

Sloppy list of vagina names (because the list isn’t that neat, not to be confused with sloppy vagina– two totally different things.)

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

If You Are Faking It, It’s Your Own Fault. Say What?

fakingit

“If you are faking it, it’s your own fault.”

My husband said that to me once and I was like, “listen a-hole, if I have to fake it- you are doing something wrong.”

But the more we laughed about it and spoke about it the more his idiotic statement started to make sense.

See – If you have to fake it, chances are your partner doesn’t fully know what you like or how you like it. I’m talking about a good relationship though, not a loveless one.  I’ve been in bad relationships and faking it was the quickest way to get things over with.  So if you are faking it for that reason, it might be time for a change in the relationship department.

My husband told me that if I fake it he will have no reason to believe that anything needs to change. I hate when he’s right.

I tried to view things from his point of view and I also thought about some of my past relationships.  Even though men don’t fake it…do they? Is that even possible?

So I compared some of the past lovers I’ve been with.  That’s not a nice thing to do by the way… comparing people, but I’m going to tread carefully here and compare for your benefit, that’s how much I love you guys.  I’m sure my husband will love knowing I’ve compared! Sorry hun.

To keep it simple I will say that each one of the men liked things handled differently. Some a gentler touch, others preferred things a little harder.  In some cases – more tongue, less tongue, teeth, no teeth, pull, tug faster, slower, hands, no hands– it’s really fucking confusing! You get the picture right? The point is, everyone is different, different things please different people.  So you need to communicate, because what one person will enjoy is going to be different from what the next person will enjoy.

I think some couples are so uncomfortable talking about sex that they just take what they get and never work at making it better. Me? I have no respect for personal boundaries and I’ve been all over my husbands body figuring out what he likes, doesn’t like, and what he really, really likes.

You need to view it as though you are the manager and your partner is the employee, if they aren’t doing their job well – chances are you failed when training them.

There's a meme for everything.

There’s a meme for everything.

So get over any inhibitions you may have, stop being shy,  and tell the person you are with what you like.  You don’t need to go all drill sergeant on them, unless you are into that crazy stuff, but there is nothing wrong with saying harder, faster or even slower from time to time.

And you know what, you still might not finish all the time, but so what? Don’t fake it to spare feelings – otherwise why would they work harder? You’ll end up screwing yourself, and I mean literally – because you know you’ll masturbate a lot more if you keep faking it. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that either. I consider it a hobby– but I don’t want that be my only source of pleasure.

And then there's always this.  If for no other reason, prevent this!

And then there’s always this. If for no other reason, prevent this!

Yes – There have been times when I don’t finish and it’s not because my husband isn’t a good lover, but sometimes it comes down to timing. You know those days, when company is on the way or you need to go quick because the kids are waking up.  It’s also good to be giving from time to time and just let them use you to get themselves off without worrying about your selfish needs.  That can be nice turn-on when you have to wait until later to get yours.

If you don’t want to speak up and tell them what you like, remember the best way to lead is by example, so I say put on a show and let them know exactly what you like by showing them.  I mean by touching yourself…..that was obvious right? I don’t mean buy a doll and point to the stuff you liked touched.  Okay…I just wanted to be clear.

I don’t know about you, but now I’m just horny!…….again……still.

Here’s what we learned today kids:

Don’t fake it.
Be a good teacher.
I consider masturbating a hobby, apparently.
And Sex is awesome!

So go….

Get out of here and show your partner what makes you feel good.

Why settle for anything less? Sex is good, but why not make it great?

And where the hell is my husband when I need him?  Guess I should work on honing my skills in the hobby department while he is gone. Wink-Wink. Okay…..I know that wasn’t subtle. FINE! I’m off to masturbate.  Geez….you guys don’t let me get away with anything.

“Type hard.  Like you mean it!”

“I want to kick your puppy while I wear a banana-hammock”. Sexting is hard…..Tips for Dummies.

kickthepuppy

I once heard that if you want to talk dirty and not sound like a complete idiot, that you should just say what you are doing at the time. So if you are kissing someone, you would say, “I love the way your lips taste,” etc. This sounds easier said than done. I mean you really could go a hundred different directions with this if you just say what you are thinking or doing.

“I feel your cold sore.”

“I love the smell of garlic.”

“I’m about to put my lips on yours and try not to think about you spitting in my mouth.”

Even with a simple thing like someone reaching into your pants, if you say the wrong thing the mood can quickly turn.

“Say hello to my little friend.” Men should not say this……neither should a woman, if a lady says this, you might want to look for an Adams apple.

Talking dirty is difficult enough, but sexting adds an entirely new element. But at least it gives you time to plan out what you want to say, so take your time. I figured out a way to sext and not be entirely awkward about it. I follow the same concept as talking dirty, but you text about your day instead, with a little creative editing of course.

Here’s are some helpful editing tips and sext suggestions.

“I’m on my knees thinking of you.”

Edited from.

“I’m on my knees thinking of you while I clean the piss off the toilet.”

 

“I’m so wet!”

Edited from.

“I’m so wet because I’m busy washing a sink full of dishes.”

 

“My nipples are hard.”

Edited from.

“My nipples are hard because it’s fucking freezing outside and you forgot to take out the trash.”

 

“Tea-bagging sounds like a good idea.”

Edited from.

“Tea-bagging sounds like a good idea, those warm bags will feel good on my puffy eye, seeing how I didn’t sleep…again…because you fucking snore”

 

“I’m going to suck you off.”

Edited from.

“I’m going to suck you off the couch with this vacuum, damn popcorn! dropped while watching the game.”

And remember that auto-correct is a bitch, so double check your sext before you hit send.

“I want to kick your puppy” <—- is an actual text I received from my husband. I was like, “What the fuck does that mean?”. It should have read, “I want to lick your pussy.”  Anyway, it turned out to be pretty funny thanks to a combination of not paying attention and auto-correct*.  My husband has been kicking the puppy ever since, I’m now a firm believer in animal abuse.

iphone

My husband never did say anything about a banana-hammock like my title implies though, but I just love that word. Banana-hammock, banana-hammock, banana-hammock.

Anyways….. If all else fails, send a picture of your boobies, men like boobies.

Then again, if you’ve been doing chores all day. You deserve a full body massage, or an uninterrupted nap, and some alone time…. after an orgasm from having your puppy kicked of course. Maybe a new husband, one that’s less of a slob and not such and inconsiderate fuck.

*Before you go typing “lick your pussy” into your iPhone to see if that would auto-correct. My hubby sent that message to me on an old cell phone using T9word, before iPhones–remember those days?….way back when.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

NEWS FLASH ~ Guys Like Blowjobs ~ Who Knew?

suck4

Can you believe it? Guys, men, and people with a penis, they all like getting their dicks sucked. I shit you not. Really. The first time I heard this I was shocked, SHOCKED!

Say it isn’t so. Dicks in mouths….WHAT?

You are a guy…..with a dick….and you want it sucked? No Fucking Way?

Seriously guys— EVERYONE ALREADY FUCKING KNOWS THIS!!!

So stop hinting, asking, and making comments about wanting it sucked. Do you really think that this is news? Some big secret? That everyone is an idiot and can’t figure this out on their own?

suck1

Trust me. Your girlfriend, wife, boyfriend, partner, all know that you want your dick sucked. If we want to suck it, we will.

No need for a reminder or hint. If your dick isn’t being sucked, it’s not because your partner doesn’t know you like it. It’s because they don’t feel like sucking it.

I know that has to be hard to swallow.  It does sucks.  These jokes really blow.  Moving on……

Just so you know, we would never have to stop and think:

”Hmmmm…I wonder if he would like his dick sucked?”

“I want to suck it, but what if he’s not in the mood?”

“He only mentioned it 20 times today, so he must not be that serious about me sucking it.”

suck6

Our thoughts are more like:

"Did he shower?"

“Did he shower?”

“What about me? Hello…I have needs too.”

“That thing was in my vagina earlier today, I’m not putting it in my mouth now.”

If your partner does decide to suck your dick due to your relentless, less than subtle hints, they might be thinking:

“Are you almost done, I’m fucking drooling all over the place?”

“If I stop to catch my breath, you’ll get distracted and it will be like starting from the beginning.”

“This is mostly for you, so just cum already.”

“I can’t believe it’s only been 5 minutes, feels like an hour.”

“I’m not going to swallow, so you better warn me.”

”Maybe if I moan more, that will speed things along.”

“Can’t you hear me gagging? WTF!”

“Where is the towel?”

“I’ll just rub your balls and that should do it.”

“Sooo…are you going to pull this out and jerk off on me, or should I grab it?”

“I’m not touching your ass!”

suck3

I could go on an on.

Please consider all of this before you repeatedly inform your obviously ignorant partner that you enjoy having your dick sucked.

My husband never asks me to go down on him. You know why? Because he knows, that I know, that I can suck his dick whenever I want to and he would be good with it. Surprise, surprise!

When I suck dick, it’s because I want to, because I’m into it, and because I want to make him come undone. That is a turn on!

But ask and you shall not receive. When it’s done out of obligation it will not be as good for you.

When your partner willingly gets down on their knees, the thoughts are more like these:

“Yum!”

“I love it when he looks at me like that.”

“I’m going to make him finish.”

“You can cum anywhere you want.”

“I’m awesome.” (that’s what I think anyway. LOL)

To quote Forrest Gump – “That’s all I have to say about that.”

Off to go suck dick, because I’m awesome. Maybe. I don’t know, it’s late. There is always tomorrow, or the day after. Meh… I’m selfish, sooooo… some other time. I’ll just wait for my husband to ask.

“Type hard! Like you mean it.”

What happened to my husband’s balls?

Balls

My husband was neutered today.  I did feel bad, but I went out of my way to make emasculating jokes every chance I got.  Luckily my husband has a great sense of humor and we were both able to laugh about the entire procedure, making the best of an uncomfortable situation.

Here he is in the waiting room.  He looks happy now, sort of.  But soon he will no longer have the urge to hump my leg, and that will be sad.

 

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2

 

I was really hoping to have had a mason jar with a couple of balls waiting for him when he came out into the waiting room, but just didn’t have the time, maybe for Christmas.  I wasn’t really sure of what to get someone after their balls are removed, is there a gift list for something like this? a subscription to Cosmo maybe, a chick flick, jewelry, a vibrator?  I don’t know, but I am disappointed he wasn’t sent home with a cone to prevent him from licking and scratching down below.

 

vasectomy3
I suppose now that he is practically a woman I will be expected to compliment him more, notice his new haircut, and tell him he looks pretty.  The change started as soon as we left the doctors too.  I had to not only get the car door for him, but drive him home as well.  I did tell him that when we got home I was going to sit him on the couch and put in ‘The Notebook’, feed him some chocolate, and maybe let him borrow my pink snuggie.  He didn’t argue, just humored me.

 

Here is a glimpse into some of the remarks and conversation we had at his expense.

 

Me: “When I run into Rite Aid to get your prescription, do you want me to pick up pads or tampons for you?”

 

Batman: ——

 

Me: “Is it numb?”

 

Batman: “Yes.”

 

Me: “Can I flick it?”

 

Batman: “No!”

 

Me: “Why not? it’s numb.”

 

Batman: “Stay away from me.”

 

Me: “Just once, let me flick it, or pinch it.”

 

Batman: “No! Get away.”

 

Me: “Whatever. Can you get hard?”

 

Batman: “Probably, but I don’t want to.”

 

(Invitation- Muhahahahaha)

 

Me: “So if we talk about me with another woman, would that get you hard?”

 

Batman: “You’re a bitch.”

 

Me: “I told you I would let another woman go down on me, does that turn you on. I would suck a boob and lick a nipple.”

 

Batman: “Knock it off!”

 

Me: “Haha- are you getting hard?”

 

Batman: “Yes.”

 

(Laughing like an evil bitch)

 

Me: “Well, I would let you watch. Maybe participate.  I would have no problem making out with another woman, feel her tongue in my mouth, lick her lips. I bet that would be fun.  Are you getting harder?”

 

Batman: “I hate you.”

 

Me: “Hahahaha! Let me touch it.”

 

Batman: “No!”

 

So that was just the ride home.  Once we got home I asked him if his breast were tender, or if they were leaking.  Then I went on to ask him if he was sitting when he went pee.  I proceeded to call him lady for the rest of the night.

 

I know my husband is in pain and I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have someone slice into my balls, but I don’t have to- I gave birth to three kids and those fuckers hurt coming out.  So as much as I feel bad, I love to laugh and have a good time with my husband more.  I am happy that in a few weeks, or 25 ejaculations according to the doctor, we can go at it like bunnies, with no concerns of making any more cock-blockers (babies).

 

All kidding aside, my husband is ‘The Man’, I love him even more for getting this done, and for putting up with my taunting all day.  Once he feels better I will take him dress shopping then out for brunch where we will celebrate his feminine side while sipping mimosas.

 

After that, I will bring him home and kiss his balls to ease the pain.  See?  I’m a good wife!

 

“Type hard!  Like you mean it!”

Masturbate or wait?

“It’s either you or me that I’m having sex with later.”

What’s wrong with that? Seems fair.

People have needs.  Masturbating is completely normal, healthy, and when done right…..amazing!

And let’s not forget the biggest pro.

You can be completely selfish.

Dear Dye ~ Should I masturbate, or wait for my partner to put out?

Just because you have someone willing to have sex with you from time to time, doesn’t mean that you should have to wait until the mood strikes them to feel satisfied.  There is no harm in taking matters into your own hands, especially if your partner is not on the same page as you.

Think of it like ordering an appetizer at your favorite restaurant.  Just because you are about to be served a steak dinner, doesn’t mean you can’t indulge a little with bread-sticks and salad.  It will keep your hunger at bay while waiting.

Just don’t overdo it and ruin your appetite.

When the main dish is brought to the table, you should still have a desire to not only eat it, but finish it. Wink, wink 😉

mastubate

“When it comes to masturbating, there are two types of people, those that do it, and liars.”

                                                                                                                           

“Type hard! Like you mean it”

Why she doesn’t want sex with you

asshole

I have had this conversation with a handful of men and women.  Usually the men are complaining about not getting it enough, and the women about not wanting to give it.

I’m am going to use the term ‘wife’ in this post but it really applies to your non-sexual, sexual partner, regardless of their label.

Dear Dye ~ Why doesn’t my wife want sex with me?

You are probably an asshole.  Have you considered that?

There are many different things that could contribute to you being an asshole.  I’m not just implying that for no reason.

This is an old debate, one that you no doubt already know the answer to. Men need to be nice.  Not just “I want sex” nice, but always nice.  Once you have crossed that line from being the nice guy to being the asshole– good fucking luck turning that around.  I’m not saying there is no hope for you, but I am strongly suggesting that, that might be the case.

Chances are, your wife used to want sex with you, but somewhere along the way you started expecting it.  Silly, silly man!

I’m not just talking out my ass, I’ve been on both sides of this fence.  I have always been a sexual person, I enjoy sex, need it and look forward to it.  I spent 11 years with an asshole, and stopped liking it, wanting it or needing it.  This isn’t a rant about me pointing out my Ex’s flaws, honestly…it is a bonus though, an enjoyable side effect if you will, but not the purpose of this post.

As a woman, I don’t want to be asked for sex all the time.  I don’t want to be harassed about it either or made to feel like it’s my job…my wifely duty.  I have that mind set, the more you ask for it…the less I want to give it.  Not sure why, but it’s like saying “can you wash the dishes?”, when I already plan on it–don’t tell me what to do.  I know my job.  Not that sex is a job, but I want to have it when I want, not when I’m told to.

This might be a relatable comparison.  You are on your way to take out the trash, your wife says, “hey, can you take out the trash”– now it feels like you are doing it because she told you to, even though you were on your way to do it anyway.  Who wants to be told what to do? not many people.

Some helpful tips:

Stop fucking asking for it.  I know what you are going to say, “If I don’t ask, I’ll never get it”.  That’s not true, but you can’t say “hey honey, I haven’t even asked for it in a month” or “look how good I’ve been, I haven’t even asked”.  That’s the same as asking and woman aren’t that stupid where they can’t see through your bullshit.  In the time that you are not asking for it, why don’t you try to do some nice things, like complimenting your wife.  Taking care of the little things.  Go build something!

Another thing that will not help your cause.  If your wife isn’t comfortable with her body, stop asking her to put on something sexy or suggesting that she wears something revealing.  Women have body issues and the last thing we want to do is have to explain it.  It actually makes women feel less sexy when they can’t wear what you want.

Have confidence, a man that whines or drones on saying things like “why don’t you want me?” or “don’t you find me attractive?” is incredibly un-sexy.  Grow some balls and be a man about it.  Most women want a man that is sure of himself, don’t confuse this with being an asshole.  There is such a thing as over-confident.

Now, that being said—some women just want to be taken.  Not raped, dumbass– but taken.  Treated a little bit more dirty, like you just can’t get enough of her.  Push her up against the wall and don’t ask, just do it.  Keep in mind though that you should be able to read the situation before you try this approach.  Women are ‘complicated’, so don’t try this approach if your wife is on her way out, in the middle of something that is important to her, just got all pretty to leave the house or if she is in a pissy mood.  Ya, good luck trying to guess which mood she’s in.

Depending on your wife, reverse psychology can work too.  Does she have low self-esteem.  Sadly this one works on me, I know who I am.

My husband has always told me that I’m out of his league, he makes me feel sexier than I really am.  At the same time, I hate when he says no to me.  I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but no one has ever said no to having sex with me (that does sound conceited).  Let’s face it, men will have sex with just about anything, at anytime.  So to hear no, is just a slap in the face.  Drives me up a fucking wall, I don’t like hearing no.  I will try everything I can to get him to say yes.  Now I don’t know if he does this on purpose, maybe he is some evil genius…muhahahaha.

My ex-husband always asked for it.  He would make me feel like that was my job and that is what I was put on this earth to do.  I got to a point where I just went through the motions but didn’t enjoy it after a while.  It became routine and annoying, I really did like the sex actually, but not with someone that was an asshole.

My current husband? No, not an asshole.  Nice to me all the time, and does the little things to make my days brighter.  Also, he doesn’t always want sex, which is probably why I always want it.  Come to think of it, I wonder if I pressure him? Ha! I don’t care.

So if you try all of these and fail, you are more than likely doing it wrong.  My suggestion would be to get her toys, then learn to jerk off.  Hey, I’m not a fucking therapist, were you expecting quality advice?

Good luck by the way.

“Type hard! Like you mean it”

The groping game

Keep things interesting in your life.  My husband and I are like a couple of horny teenagers most days.  Every chance we get, one of us is groping the other.  Either it’s him grabbing at my boobs or ass or me grabbing his junk.  We can’t walk by one another without groping at something.  Half the time it’s just done because ‘we can’. 

We have a house full of kids, so this can be challenging at times.  As of recently we find ourselves trying to get away with it more and more without the kids noticing.  We have four girls in the house, two of them still crap their pants and have no clue, but the other two would know what was going on if they caught us. 

So our game:  Who can get away with groping while the kids are in the same room without being caught.  I swear, we are good parents, but don’t you wonder what the fuck your parents did when you were a kid? 

Each time one of the kids turns around or their gaze moves to another direction, one of us is grabbing at the other one.  This makes for a fun time and it keeps things interesting in our house.  So now we just randomly shout out points, like I will grab his junk real quick and shout out, “50 points!”.  Flashing is point worthy too, of course this is easier for me than my husband so I usually win. The goal is not to get caught by the kids, otherwise– huge point deduction there, well that and you don’t want your kids to see that shit.  This is also fun in public, around anyone in fact. So have fun, add some fun into your marriage and try it.  But don’t get caught, you don’t want to encourage that ‘groping’ is fun to your kids.

We are thinking of a point system for this and maybe set a daily goal– gotta have goals.  I will be sure to post them if we do.

“May the odds be forever in your favor”

“May the force be with you”

and other stupid quotes that people use way to fucking much!

“live long and prosper”

but my favorite because it’s mine

“Type hard! Like you mean it!”

Boob names

Rambling about boob names, that’s all this is.  It’s either this or nothing, and I felt like writing something.- so there you go.

It’s really dumb.  You should move along and not waste your time.

Seriously- I fucking warned you.  This isn’t some trick with an exciting twist at the end.  Just random crap.

 

We have a ‘handful’ of names for boobs in my house.  We shared them (the names) with our girls, they laughed.  Yes, we are those parents, inappropriate.  Nothing wrong with a little humor and laughing with your kids.  Of course, we do caution them to not repeat half of the stuff they hear at home, it wouldn’t be received well by others and they would probably get taken from us by the state.  So here are a few of the names, nothing you haven’t heard before.

-boobs

-ta-tas

-the girls

-hooters

-ant hills

-mounds

-breast

-jugs

-sand bags (from “The 40 Year Old Virgin”)

-chicken cutlets (I think that one is my favorite)

-ba-who-bees (that’s actually from their kid shows- I like that one)

 

If feels good to have gotten that off my chest.

Just wanted to keep you abreast of the situation here.

I’m not always funny, but you can stop reading too- so piss off. 

Plus I warned you that this was a shit post.

“Talk hard! Like you mean it!”

 

What’s in a word?

It’s hard to write erotic stories and poems when you have children.  Mostly because they seem to ruin certain words and phrases that you would typically use for erotic writings.  Some phrases I try not to say to my kids anymore, because when I do, I feel so wrong.

-You are such a naughty girl!

-Bad girl!

-Don’t be so fresh!

-Blow on it.

-Lick it clean.

-Want me to spank you?

-Why is that so hard?

-Give it to her!

-Pet the kitty.

-Come.

-Let me kiss it.

-Does that feel good?

-Let me smell it

(no, I’m kidding about that last one,

you don’t want to ‘smell’ anything in erotica

unless it’s like candles or something good)

 

That’s just to name a few.

 

“Type hard! Like you mean it!”

Box full of nuts

nuts in box

Nothing is clean anymore, or maybe my mind is just that dirty that it can only see the ‘dirty’ in other things.

I read a book to my daughter today at the doctors office, that picture is from one of the pages.

First of all, I just want to point out that I have moments that I’m a good mom and I will do stuff like read to them from time to time.

Now that I got that out of the way.

I couldn’t make it through the story without laughing.  It’s no wonder we are all pigs as adults.  It starts out so innocent, a book about the letter ‘n’ (must mean nympho). 

Then next thing you know she’s stuffing nuts in her box, not just some– but all of them, what a greedy girl.

“Type hard! Like you mean it!”