I have had this conversation with a handful of men and women. Usually the men are complaining about not getting it enough, and the women about not wanting to give it.
I’m am going to use the term ‘wife’ in this post but it really applies to your non-sexual, sexual partner, regardless of their label.
Dear Dye ~ Why doesn’t my wife want sex with me?
You are probably an asshole. Have you considered that?
There are many different things that could contribute to you being an asshole. I’m not just implying that for no reason.
This is an old debate, one that you no doubt already know the answer to. Men need to be nice. Not just “I want sex” nice, but always nice. Once you have crossed that line from being the nice guy to being the asshole– good fucking luck turning that around. I’m not saying there is no hope for you, but I am strongly suggesting that, that might be the case.
Chances are, your wife used to want sex with you, but somewhere along the way you started expecting it. Silly, silly man!
I’m not just talking out my ass, I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I have always been a sexual person, I enjoy sex, need it and look forward to it. I spent 11 years with an asshole, and stopped liking it, wanting it or needing it. This isn’t a rant about me pointing out my Ex’s flaws, honestly…it is a bonus though, an enjoyable side effect if you will, but not the purpose of this post.
As a woman, I don’t want to be asked for sex all the time. I don’t want to be harassed about it either or made to feel like it’s my job…my wifely duty. I have that mind set, the more you ask for it…the less I want to give it. Not sure why, but it’s like saying “can you wash the dishes?”, when I already plan on it–don’t tell me what to do. I know my job. Not that sex is a job, but I want to have it when I want, not when I’m told to.
This might be a relatable comparison. You are on your way to take out the trash, your wife says, “hey, can you take out the trash”– now it feels like you are doing it because she told you to, even though you were on your way to do it anyway. Who wants to be told what to do? not many people.
Some helpful tips:
Stop fucking asking for it. I know what you are going to say, “If I don’t ask, I’ll never get it”. That’s not true, but you can’t say “hey honey, I haven’t even asked for it in a month” or “look how good I’ve been, I haven’t even asked”. That’s the same as asking and woman aren’t that stupid where they can’t see through your bullshit. In the time that you are not asking for it, why don’t you try to do some nice things, like complimenting your wife. Taking care of the little things. Go build something!
Another thing that will not help your cause. If your wife isn’t comfortable with her body, stop asking her to put on something sexy or suggesting that she wears something revealing. Women have body issues and the last thing we want to do is have to explain it. It actually makes women feel less sexy when they can’t wear what you want.
Have confidence, a man that whines or drones on saying things like “why don’t you want me?” or “don’t you find me attractive?” is incredibly un-sexy. Grow some balls and be a man about it. Most women want a man that is sure of himself, don’t confuse this with being an asshole. There is such a thing as over-confident.
Now, that being said—some women just want to be taken. Not raped, dumbass– but taken. Treated a little bit more dirty, like you just can’t get enough of her. Push her up against the wall and don’t ask, just do it. Keep in mind though that you should be able to read the situation before you try this approach. Women are ‘complicated’, so don’t try this approach if your wife is on her way out, in the middle of something that is important to her, just got all pretty to leave the house or if she is in a pissy mood. Ya, good luck trying to guess which mood she’s in.
Depending on your wife, reverse psychology can work too. Does she have low self-esteem. Sadly this one works on me, I know who I am.
My husband has always told me that I’m out of his league, he makes me feel sexier than I really am. At the same time, I hate when he says no to me. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, but no one has ever said no to having sex with me (that does sound conceited). Let’s face it, men will have sex with just about anything, at anytime. So to hear no, is just a slap in the face. Drives me up a fucking wall, I don’t like hearing no. I will try everything I can to get him to say yes. Now I don’t know if he does this on purpose, maybe he is some evil genius…muhahahaha.
My ex-husband always asked for it. He would make me feel like that was my job and that is what I was put on this earth to do. I got to a point where I just went through the motions but didn’t enjoy it after a while. It became routine and annoying, I really did like the sex actually, but not with someone that was an asshole.
My current husband? No, not an asshole. Nice to me all the time, and does the little things to make my days brighter. Also, he doesn’t always want sex, which is probably why I always want it. Come to think of it, I wonder if I pressure him? Ha! I don’t care.
So if you try all of these and fail, you are more than likely doing it wrong. My suggestion would be to get her toys, then learn to jerk off. Hey, I’m not a fucking therapist, were you expecting quality advice?
Good luck by the way.
“Type hard! Like you mean it”