My list of Must-do’s when taking a sexy photo.

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‘Ricochet’ Self-Portrait

One of the many things I love about photography, self-portraits in particular, is that you can tell any story you want about yourself.  It’s as simple as a costume change, makeup, pose, hair, etc.  Me? I thoroughly enjoy getting all dolled up and letting my sexy side show.  I thought about just posting the above photograph and leaving it at that, because… damn… I look fucking good. Right? I’m so modest. lol

But I don’t always look like this, it takes work to look sexy in an image.

I thought I’d share some of my ‘must do’s’, ways I like to convey sex appeal in my self-portraits:

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Step 1: Finger in the mouth. People love fingers in the mouth, and anything that draws attention to the lips.

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Step 2: Sexy eyes. Eye contact is important!

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Step 3: Push tits together…because, well…who doesn’t like cleavage? It’s like saying, “Look! Another place to put your dick.”

If you’ve learned anything, I hope it’s that you realized—the sexiest thing you can do is just be your damn self. Even if you look like an idiot most of the time, like I usually do. Trying to keep it real. Enjoy!

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

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photography ~Meow~

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‘Meow’  Self-portrait

“Show me your kitties!”

I love my kitties! Not many people have seen my kitties, although many have asked to.  Believe it or not, I keep my kitties inside more often than not.  They are very pretty kitties though, just the right size, soft, not too firm, the kind that feel really, really good when they rub up against you. I would know, because I’m always touching my kitties, always! But they are mine, so I can….and I do!

I understand that some people want to see as many kitties as possible. I’m kind of with you there, I too, am fascinated with kitties. Just know, you’ve already seen about as much of my kitties as you will ever see. However, because I’m the type of person that cares about you, and knows that you have needs, I’m going to share something with you….. there is this thing called ‘Google’, maybe you’ve heard of it? You can look at kitties all day long if you learn how to use it. Big ones, small ones, some the size of your head! For real, go try it!

If you are a kitty fan like me, here’s a little kitty ditty you’ll probably enjoy.  Whether you like country music or not, the lyrics alone are worth listening to.

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

No news is good news.

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Self-Portrait

Ever need to get away from it all and unplug for a little bit?

Two weeks ago I decided to just go ahead and do it, and I couldn’t be happier about my decision.  Now I’m not talking about completely disconnecting from my online life, that’d be crazy!! Baby steps, people! But… I did deactivate my personal Facebook account and haven’t been online as much since doing that. Notice I didn’t say “delete” my Facebook account. Of course I’ll be back again at some point, I think?

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This made me laugh. As much as I love attention, quitting Facebook isn’t really what I’d do to get it, I mean seriously…. I have boobs! Big, round, fake, attention getting boobs. See, have your attention now, don’t I?

The last couple of years I’ve become a bit addicted to Facebook. I’m always on it, even if I’m not interacting.  Not that that really bothers me too much. I thoroughly enjoy the online friendships and it’s a great place to keep in touch with old friends, and family. I’m the type that loves to know all about you, wants to see your kids, your pets, your selfies, and your daily activities….in a non-stalkery sort of way…. yeah, yeah, let’s go with that. I’m also the type that will look in your windows if you leave your curtains open though…in a non-pervy way of course *ahem*.   I suppose this is one of the reasons I enjoy self-portraits so much, it’s an extra glimpse into the lives of others.

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I definitely don’t text and drive, but I have on many occasions closed Facebook on my PC to immediately pick up my phone and check it again, just in case I missed something important, you know….like photos of what everyone is eating for lunch.

Every time I’ve thought about taking a break I’d come up with a couple of reasons why I couldn’t, these were easy excuses for me to use to stay connected.

  1. I’ll lose touch with everyone.
  2. If I deactivate or delete my personal page, my other pages will automatically go inactive as well.

I have a few Facebook pages, including the one attached to this blog that is run by my personal page.  I didn’t want to lose those and couldn’t see how to keep one without the other.

So I posed the question on Facebook asking if anyone knew a way around this, thankfully a few friends did and were able to show me the loophole.  Once I knew how to do it it took me a few days to convince myself that it was for the best.

See, as much as I love seeing all the good that everyone is up to, it also comes with all the bad negative drama as well.  If you have Facebook you know what I’m talking about. *cough, cough* Politics…among other things.

One of the first things I do in the morning is check all of my online accounts, Facebook being one of them. Most mornings I’d checked it just to read the messages I received, but then I’d see my news feed and get sucked in. I would start to scroll through some stuff, skip some other stuff, read some comments, and more comments, and conversations, and before I knew it I’d be over an hour in and extremely annoyed with myself for wasting so much time on reading news I couldn’t give two shits about. Not the best way to start the day, and not the way I wanted to spend any free time I had throughout the afternoons and evenings.

At the moment, I don’t miss it at all!  I still chat with my friends and family, only now it’s on my blogs Facebook page, and instead of my news feed being filled with negativity and dumb fucking Minion memes, seriously with the Minion memes… STOP! It makes zero sense to post a photo of a Minion with a deep and meaningful fucking quote!

Let me indulge a bit on this pet-peeve. Why in the fuck would these quotes need a Minion with them?!!! Grrrrrr…..

This one however…perfectly acceptable!

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Tangent there… what was I saying?

Oh yeah, now I get to log onto my blogs Facebook page, read messages and chat, and only see whatever I post there, no negative BS, not my friends or family bickering, no news reports filled with all the bad stuff going on in this world. In this case….ignorance is a bit blissful.

Of course, I’m still a social media whore….but now I’m a happier one. Nothing better than a happy whore, am I right?

You know where to find me….here at the Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Flickr, G+, Email, Smoke signals, Ouija board, AshleyMadison.com… I’m kidding, just seeing if you’re paying attention!

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 26

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‘Y’all! It’s so shiny!’ Self-portrait

The theme for last weeks photo was ‘Humorous’.

When I was looking around online for some ideas I found a few images that made me smile. The inspiration for my image comes from the caricatures created by ‘McLendon Photography‘. Check them out if you have a second, so well done and creative. Will put a smile on your face, even if you don’t feel like smiling. 🙂

And here’s a little song that seems like a good fit for the photo.

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 25

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‘Dear Lord Baby Jesus..make it STAHP!’ Self-Portrait

The theme for last weeks photo was ‘Sign Language’.

I’m a little overdue with this photo as I struggled with the theme. Sometimes inspiration hits out of nowhere… in this case, it was my Instagram DM’s.

For the love of God, people. Stop sending me DM’s and mail telling me how hot I am, as original as that might be (eye-roll), I’m good. There is no reason that needs to be said in a private message. I’m appreciative that you find me attractive, thank you. Feel free to just leave a comment so that everyone can see it. At least boost my ego publicly like a decent pervert! 😀

I know this sounds petty. It could be worse, right? I mean, you could be sending me dick pics… oh wait… you’re doing that too. Sigh! STAHP!

Why? What is your motivation here?

I have yet to see a dick that makes me want to drop my panties and risk losing my family just to find out who is on the other end of it. I know what you’re thinking..”but I could be the one”.. No! Trust me, you are not the one.  Your dick could shoot out magic rainbows with hundred dollar bill confetti and I still wouldn’t want to…. um, okay…yes, I’d want to see that, but that’s the exception.

If after reading this you still want to send me photos, at least read up on my dick pic requirements. Here is a little something I wrote last year, still relevant today. Enjoy!

Only send photos of your junk if…

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“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 23

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‘Zen’ Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Minimalism’.

I’ve heard that doing yoga, and meditation, can enhance your sex life. Now, I’m not sure if that’s because you become more in tune with yourself, or if it’s because you get into all those sexy poses, either way….it’s worth a try. Let me know if I’m doing it right.

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I am feeling a bit more in tune with myself. For example, I now know that I have zero flexibility.  I also have no doubt that once my hubby sees me in these super sexy poses he will be all over me. Rawr!

I think it’s working.

bow chicka wow wow’….

‘brown chicken brown cow’…

“Type hard, like you mean it”

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 22

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“Shut up and dance with me!” Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Sound’.

It’s Friday, so I decided to dance around like a fool in celebration. What about the weekend am I celebrating you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask. That’s okay, because I really don’t celebrate the weekends anyways. It was a lie, all lies!!!

I’m a mom, I don’t get weekends you silly dork!

I do like to dance around the house in the morning when everyone is asleep though. I  celebrate the silence, because silence is golden, like a nice warm golden shower. Um…erm anyways… that got awkward, but hey, speaking of being pee’d on. Don’t do it! Stop it!

No, I really don’t care if you’re into that, unless you are randomly peeing on people that are not into it, that just makes you a douche. Don’t be a douche. Although a douche would be better than pee.

Oh dear, sometimes I should plan out what I’m going to say before I start typing.

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…and no, jelly fish stings are not an exception, just a myth. So stop looking for excuses to pee on people! Geez! :p

If anything, we learned:

I don’t celebrate the weekends.

I don’t want to be pee’d on.

I’d rather be douched?

Only pee on people that consent to it.

Jelly fish stings are not the exception.

Not having a plan, keeps it real!

 

Now come on, SHUT UP AND DANCE with me!

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 20

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‘Deconstructed’  Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Construction’.

Aside from the obvious bathroom falling apart around me, this photo probably sums up a few aspects of who I am. No, not an alcoholic. Although a drinking problem could be just what I need. I joke, of course.

While life for the most part is good, I’m always tearing myself apart, finding the flaws, feeling never quite good enough.  Good enough for myself, my own standards. Which is surprising because I have incredibly low standards. You can laugh at that.

I don’t sit there and beat myself up.  I do however get into these funks that can make me question everything I’m doing. When I begin to feel confident or happy about things I’ve done, I start to think about every reason why I shouldn’t feel that way.  It’s usually because I see someone else doing it, making it, or saying it better, at least it seems they are in my opinionPhotography, writing, crafting, parenting…. or just being.  It can be exhausting to always question myself.  Makes me wonder if other people are as confident as they seem, and if so… should they be?

I read this post on ‘Humans of New York’ and it made me feel a bit better, as if my uncertainty and insecurity is maybe just humility.  Now that being said, I’m sure a little more confidence and less comparing myself to others couldn’t hurt either. Instead of thinking I’m not as good as so and so,  I need to remember that I’m a pretty alright version of myself already. A little remodeling and some upgrades from time to time can only make me a better me.

 

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Truth!

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Now I’ll hit the ‘Publish’ button and immediately start thinking about how someone else could have written this much better, using bigger words, proper punctuation, higher quality images.  Okay… never mind, it’s settled. I need a drinking problem, it’s the only way! 😉

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

 

Leave me alone! The perfect Mother’s Day Gift.

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“Happily Ever After” Self-Portrait with my two youngest.

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

I want to be left alone. Yes, that does sound selfish, and it is… a little bit, but it’s the truth. What I need though…is a day, a day where I’m not needed. A day to myself, to do whatever I want. Even if that means sleeping until noon, not brushing my teeth, and eating cupcakes for dinner. I want to pee without having a conversation through the door, or better yet… without my kids watching me because they have to be in there with me. I want to grab a snack without having to sneak it or share it. I want to watch T.V., and not only watch it, but hear it. I don’t need to be taken out for dinner. That is not relaxing at all.

“Where’s my food?”

“I’m hungry”

“I want what she has.”

“I need to go potty.”

“She’s kicking me.”

“What’s that?”

“Can I have a bite?”

“I’m not hungry.”

Sigh……..

Please…. leave me alone! I love you all, but go!

I feel guilty saying that I want to be left alone, it sounds as if I don’t love my children, which is not the case at all.

For me, Mother’s Day has always been about the kids though. “What can we do that they’d enjoy?” I know they feel good when they make something for me, get me a gift, or take me out.  Which is why I will sit back, smile, and accept everything that comes my way on Mother’s Day like I do every year. Maybe that makes me a good mom. Maybe that makes me an idiot.

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Mother’s Day 2014, because ‘Rainforest Cafe’ is for me. Not!

To all the mom’s out there who make sacrifices day in and day out, you guys rock!

Happy Mother’s Day!

If you know anyone that can relate, please share this post, and give them a hug, or some wine…or Vodka. Yeah, screw the hug, wine and Vodka makes more sense.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

 

 

You need to stop watering dead plants.

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~ Fragile ~

Doesn’t matter how beautiful and lovely they once were.

We  have a hard time giving up, or letting  go of things, even when we know they are dead. I think we hold onto that hope that if we just keep adding water, maybe we can bring them back to life, salvage them in some way. Usually getting so caught up in the beauty they once held,  forgetting what caused them to die in the first place. If it’s dead, bury it! Get a new plant, water the hell out of it, but not too much, don’t want it to drown… which let’s face it…. is probably how you killed the first plant. Oh wow, that is not where I wanted to go with this. I’m sure it wasn’t you, that plant was probably a stubborn fuck that needed too much attention, impossible for you to tend to each and every selfish need it had. Stupid asshole plant!

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 16

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Cravings ~ Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Leading Lines’.

I like all the angles and how there are many lines created from the windows, curtains, bed, and sheets. What I don’t like is that the corner of my room isn’t centered between those two windows, it throws it off. Granted, that window on the right side is centered on the wall it is on, and the window on the left side is balanced out with another window on the wall that it is on. I suppose it would bother me if they weren’t balanced there, even if that meant the corner lined up behind the bed. Hmmmm…. Maybe it’s OCD? Maybe I need a square room instead of a rectangle one, maybe with no windows….and padded walls, because I’m clearly going fucking crazy. :p

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 15

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Quiet Lullaby ~ Self Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘moody’.  Occasionally, I’ll pair a song with my images, for this one I’m using ‘Christina Perri ~ The Lonely’. I love her music, her songs have a way of making me sad, angry, and emotional….even when I’m extremely happy. Being a woman is confusing. lol

Anyway….. Completely unrelated, but related. I bought this little white slip, nightgown thingy I’m wearing the other day at a thrift store while looking for props. I went hoping to find an old, white, frumpy, cotton nightgown to use for a couple of other photo ideas I have. I ultimately couldn’t find what I needed, but I snagged this for $2.00 as a backup, it was good enough for this photo,  it’s not something I would ever wear otherwise, it makes me feel old. I mean…it’s comfortable, but not very flattering, and if I’m going to dress in something that’s not flattering, but comfortable, I’m going to go all out and invest in a muumuu! Go big or go home, right?  Yeah… that’s not going to happen either. I still want to look in the mirror and like what I see, a muumuu just doesn’t scream “take me to bed, or lose me forever.”

That being said, I’m also not a fan of getting all dolled up in lingerie to prepare for a wild night with the hubby. I know some women, and their men enjoy that experience, but for me, I think it’s such a waste of effort!    Which is odd, because I have a shit ton of lingerie. These days I buy it to use as ‘props’ for my photos.  In real life I feel like it’s so contrived, so I don’t wear it unless it’s something subtle…like garters and stockings under a dress so that when my hubby puts his hand on my leg, he can feel it. I like that it can elicit a response.

I’m starting to wonder if this is a ‘now that I’m older’ thing?  Maybe a bit about comfort and convenience too? Like when my husband wanted to buy sneakers that didn’t tie, but had Velcro instead, no… just no!

This is such a change from my younger days. When I was in my 20’s (I’m 41 now) I would go full out with lingerie, including the corset tops, stockings, garters, matching thong, and let’s not forget…. gloves. Yeah… I found these gems today while I was cleaning my closet. Mind you, I had the head to toe ensemble for each of these, and each piece was the same color. Not sure why I decided to keep just the gloves. They are fucking hot though! I’m wearing them as I type this.  My husband is going to have a hard time refusing me when he comes home. I just know it!

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To quote Jennifer Lopez from ‘The Wedding Planner’….”Teal, the color of gangrene.”

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I kind of wish I had the rest of the outfits now that I have the boobs to fill them.

What do you all prefer? Lingerie, no lingerie, ball gag, muumuu’s, all of the above?

As for me…I’m off to search for sexy muumuu’s. Two birds with one stone. Wish me luck!

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 14

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Animals in bed! Rwoar! ~ {Self Portrait}

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘night’. I contemplated going outside and taking photos to really capture the true essence of ‘night’, I quickly decided against it because it’s a pain in the ass for me. Getting all my stuff together, finding something to shoot, being alone in the dark. Meh! Not what I enjoy doing. Aside from all that, I go to bed stupid early, 8:30ish…..it’s still sort of light outside when I go. I’m old! That’s why. Shut up! It’s just a matter of time before I start eating my dinner at 4pm. Okay, I may have done that on occasion too.

I wasn’t going to stay up late just to go outside and struggle to find a photo op. I starting thinking about how ‘wild and crazy’ I really am. Going to bed so early, and being too tired to do anything after a certain time. True party animal here! *sarcasm font needed*

That train of thought led me to the above image. I like the contradiction of being animals in bed, but not in the good way. You know I mean sex, right?

When we bought our house 9 years ago we decided to change the four bedroom floor plan and convert it into three bedrooms.  We took two of the rooms, knocked down their walls, and made the Master bedroom….you know, because we weren’t going to have any more kids. Yeah…. well… we decided to have more kids. Hindsight.

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For real!!

Now having four kids and only three bedrooms, guess where the little two kids sleep? In our room, where that other room used to be, only now there is no wall for privacy. Awesome, right? No!

So no, we are not animals in bed! Now…. the bathroom, garage, basement, kitchen, living room, car, and backyard are another story. We are animals there! Rwoar!

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My wonderful husband! I love that dork.

“Type hard, like you mean it! “

 

 

I worry it’s drooling, my vagina.

 

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This is me, trying to look all bad-ass.

This morning started out like most mornings.  I woke up, put on some active wear, and hit the weights. One of my favorite days, leg day. I do legs twice a week.  Since my workout on Tuesday I’ve barely been able to walk. My legs reached that jello stage.

Convincing myself that I’m invincible I carried on with my plan to shape my ass into something that doesn’t look…um…what’s a good word for, “I had three kids, gained a ton of weight, cottage cheesy”? Yeah, that.

I blasted some music, got myself into this apparent ‘beast mode’ that most people claim to be in when they work out, got under the bar, and started doing some split-squats. They are not new to me, I’ve done them plenty of times. We have a love hate relationship, really… they suck, but in a good for you kind of way. I fucking hate them!

I got my left leg done, moved to the right side, and as soon as I started to squat I could feel something tear, pull, cramp, hurt, try to break free from beneath my skin. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little, but it hurt like fucking hell. Enough so that I had to call it quits, skipping the rest of my workout.

My only option at that point was to crawl upstairs from out of my basement and ice it.  I sat down, made myself comfortable, and got the ice under me. The muscle that hurt was near my inner thigh/hamstring/ass. After sitting there for a good amount of time, I got up and noticed that the ice went ahead and numbed my damn vagina. Don’t worry though, it was just the right side. :/ Like a shot of Novocaine to the mouth, I couldn’t feel it. Trust me, I touched it… you know, just to be sure. It’s odd, standing there with only partial feeling in your vagina. Like when your cheek goes numb at the dentist. You start to wonder if you’re drooling. Is my vagina drooling? Is it leaking? Hanging lower on that side? Did I just pee? Sigh…

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

Happy Bunny Day!

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Just wanted to wish everyone a happy Sunday, whether you celebrate Easter or not.  I haven’t been the best at blogging but wanted to at least spread some cheer.  I’ve been taking a lot of self portraits lately and figured I could at least share some of those if nothing else.  Yes, that’s me.  I’m fucking hot, I know. Hahaha!  Yeah, yeah… I don’t think I’m ugly but I’m really not that over confident either. You’d never know it, but I fake it, I mean my confidence of course.  We know that I would never fake anything else!

My sister-in-law had a few lollipops made for me and I took some photos to show her how much I enjoyed them.  Hope you can get a chuckle out of them too.  They were naughty and delicious, just a couple of my favorite things.

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“Type hard. Like you mean it!”