If You Are Faking It, It’s Your Own Fault. Say What?


“If you are faking it, it’s your own fault.”

My husband said that to me once and I was like, “listen a-hole, if I have to fake it- you are doing something wrong.”

But the more we laughed about it and spoke about it the more his idiotic statement started to make sense.

See – If you have to fake it, chances are your partner doesn’t fully know what you like or how you like it. I’m talking about a good relationship though, not a loveless one.  I’ve been in bad relationships and faking it was the quickest way to get things over with.  So if you are faking it for that reason, it might be time for a change in the relationship department.

My husband told me that if I fake it he will have no reason to believe that anything needs to change. I hate when he’s right.

I tried to view things from his point of view and I also thought about some of my past relationships.  Even though men don’t fake it…do they? Is that even possible?

So I compared some of the past lovers I’ve been with.  That’s not a nice thing to do by the way… comparing people, but I’m going to tread carefully here and compare for your benefit, that’s how much I love you guys.  I’m sure my husband will love knowing I’ve compared! Sorry hun.

To keep it simple I will say that each one of the men liked things handled differently. Some a gentler touch, others preferred things a little harder.  In some cases – more tongue, less tongue, teeth, no teeth, pull, tug faster, slower, hands, no hands– it’s really fucking confusing! You get the picture right? The point is, everyone is different, different things please different people.  So you need to communicate, because what one person will enjoy is going to be different from what the next person will enjoy.

I think some couples are so uncomfortable talking about sex that they just take what they get and never work at making it better. Me? I have no respect for personal boundaries and I’ve been all over my husbands body figuring out what he likes, doesn’t like, and what he really, really likes.

You need to view it as though you are the manager and your partner is the employee, if they aren’t doing their job well – chances are you failed when training them.

There's a meme for everything.

There’s a meme for everything.

So get over any inhibitions you may have, stop being shy,  and tell the person you are with what you like.  You don’t need to go all drill sergeant on them, unless you are into that crazy stuff, but there is nothing wrong with saying harder, faster or even slower from time to time.

And you know what, you still might not finish all the time, but so what? Don’t fake it to spare feelings – otherwise why would they work harder? You’ll end up screwing yourself, and I mean literally – because you know you’ll masturbate a lot more if you keep faking it. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with that either. I consider it a hobby– but I don’t want that be my only source of pleasure.

And then there's always this.  If for no other reason, prevent this!

And then there’s always this. If for no other reason, prevent this!

Yes – There have been times when I don’t finish and it’s not because my husband isn’t a good lover, but sometimes it comes down to timing. You know those days, when company is on the way or you need to go quick because the kids are waking up.  It’s also good to be giving from time to time and just let them use you to get themselves off without worrying about your selfish needs.  That can be nice turn-on when you have to wait until later to get yours.

If you don’t want to speak up and tell them what you like, remember the best way to lead is by example, so I say put on a show and let them know exactly what you like by showing them.  I mean by touching yourself…..that was obvious right? I don’t mean buy a doll and point to the stuff you liked touched.  Okay…I just wanted to be clear.

I don’t know about you, but now I’m just horny!…….again……still.

Here’s what we learned today kids:

Don’t fake it.
Be a good teacher.
I consider masturbating a hobby, apparently.
And Sex is awesome!

So go….

Get out of here and show your partner what makes you feel good.

Why settle for anything less? Sex is good, but why not make it great?

And where the hell is my husband when I need him?  Guess I should work on honing my skills in the hobby department while he is gone. Wink-Wink. Okay…..I know that wasn’t subtle. FINE! I’m off to masturbate.  Geez….you guys don’t let me get away with anything.

“Type hard.  Like you mean it!”


Masturbate or wait?

“It’s either you or me that I’m having sex with later.”

What’s wrong with that? Seems fair.

People have needs.  Masturbating is completely normal, healthy, and when done right…..amazing!

And let’s not forget the biggest pro.

You can be completely selfish.

Dear Dye ~ Should I masturbate, or wait for my partner to put out?

Just because you have someone willing to have sex with you from time to time, doesn’t mean that you should have to wait until the mood strikes them to feel satisfied.  There is no harm in taking matters into your own hands, especially if your partner is not on the same page as you.

Think of it like ordering an appetizer at your favorite restaurant.  Just because you are about to be served a steak dinner, doesn’t mean you can’t indulge a little with bread-sticks and salad.  It will keep your hunger at bay while waiting.

Just don’t overdo it and ruin your appetite.

When the main dish is brought to the table, you should still have a desire to not only eat it, but finish it. Wink, wink 😉


“When it comes to masturbating, there are two types of people, those that do it, and liars.”


“Type hard! Like you mean it”

poetry “Self-Serving”

self serve

Warm…..above duvet…..body so bare

Windows glass panes…..a heavy suns glare


Awoken from quite a delectable dream

Abruptly…..no warning…..sights unseen

A burning desire…..for release of steam


I gracefully sweep my hand

Across my rosey pink cheek

Open my eyes…..squinting

A brief moment…..a peek


Trailing my fingers along pouty full lips


Their manicured tips


Casting a sweet devilish grin


Familiar indulgence of sin


Drawing a path along my neck and collar

Like a lesson plan laid

Between Art teacher and scholar


My hands glide methodically to rising chest

Masculine visions of you

While caressing each breast


Slowly circling each petite peak

Kneading…..touching…..their round firm physique


A responsive demeanor

A touch…..just right

Pulling ever so softly

Till taut…..and tight


Falling downhill…..I travel…..head south

Quenching a thirst

Moistening…..ending the drought


Slowly skimming contours along my hips

In anticipation they rise

A standing ovation…..the perfect script


Like an architect’s sketch

Spine curved…..perfect arch

Legs…..bent at knee

As if ready to march


Signs of want…..unwavering

No urge to resist

Conscious desires

A pure ache exist


Light touches…..chill my inner thighs

Tingling sensations…..opening wide

Inviting myself…..to delve inside


Mind…..body…..thoughts align

Sinful images…..fluttering by

A Watchful eye…can be so divine


Matching…..a tempo

Keeping with pace

To the beat of my heart

From the expression on your face


Turned up lip…..from across the bed

Smiling…..you wink

Imploring to spread


Observing…..encouraging…..without a touch

to trace…..enter…..grab…..clutch


Directing me…..as if a Broadway play

I teasingly audition

No words to read…..or say


A private viewing

Your seat…..front row

Personal…..sensual…erotic show


Certainly not by luck…..or happenstance


Offering…..lovers dance


Rhythm…..faster…..pulsating beats

Biting down…..squeezing knees

Brought to edge…..clenching sheets

Gasping for oxygen

Lungs…..need of air

Intake of breath…..inhaling

None to spare


Holding…..reserving…..keeping it in

The finish line…..soon victory

Show…..place…..and win


Moist eyes…..a tear

Taking no more

A whimper escapes…..then a slight roar


Trembling…..sated…..a little frail

Remembering how good it is

To finally…..exhale