52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 31

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‘Venom’ Self-Portrait

The theme for my week 31 image was ‘Smoke’.

A few things happened this month.  I turned 42 on the 10th, and also this month marks the 10th anniversary of when I quit smoking.  Prior to that I smoked for almost 19 years, if you are good with math you’ll figure out that I started when I was 13 years old, you know…because I was cool.

I’d like to go back and kick my 13 year old ass. Now that I have a 13 year old daughter I find myself doing that thing, you know the thing, the thing that all parents do, try to save your kid from making all the same mistakes you made as an adolescent.

I’d like to think I have a great relationship with my 13 year old, we joke around a lot and have an open line of communication. No topic is off limits.

Most days when she’s leaving the house I give her a hug and add, “I love you, don’t do drugs, drink, smoke, or have sex. Have a great day!”  She rolls her eyes while laughing (in my head she’s laughing, it’s mostly eye rolls), and I giggle just hoping that what I say will stick with her.

I think I’m doing alright though. To take this photo I needed to have smoke. I asked my husband to stop at the store and get me some type of E-cig, or like the cool kids call it ‘vape’, or is it ‘vaper’? Shit, I’m so not cool anymore. My daughter was with with my husband when he went to purchase some, she was worried that this would be my gateway to smoking again.  The fact that she was so disgusted with the idea of smoking brings me some comfort.  For now I’m pretty confident she’s not interested in lighting up, chances are she feels the same way about drugs too.

I’m always preaching about how drugs, drinking, and smoking can mess you up, especially at her age. Now…as for the sex part, I have nothing bad to say about sex. Sex is amazing!!! Just not when you are 13! lol

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

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52 Weeks Of Photos ~2016~ Week 22

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“Shut up and dance with me!” Self-Portrait

The theme for this weeks photo is ‘Sound’.

It’s Friday, so I decided to dance around like a fool in celebration. What about the weekend am I celebrating you ask? Oh, you didn’t ask. That’s okay, because I really don’t celebrate the weekends anyways. It was a lie, all lies!!!

I’m a mom, I don’t get weekends you silly dork!

I do like to dance around the house in the morning when everyone is asleep though. I  celebrate the silence, because silence is golden, like a nice warm golden shower. Um…erm anyways… that got awkward, but hey, speaking of being pee’d on. Don’t do it! Stop it!

No, I really don’t care if you’re into that, unless you are randomly peeing on people that are not into it, that just makes you a douche. Don’t be a douche. Although a douche would be better than pee.

Oh dear, sometimes I should plan out what I’m going to say before I start typing.

goldenshowers496

…and no, jelly fish stings are not an exception, just a myth. So stop looking for excuses to pee on people! Geez! :p

If anything, we learned:

I don’t celebrate the weekends.

I don’t want to be pee’d on.

I’d rather be douched?

Only pee on people that consent to it.

Jelly fish stings are not the exception.

Not having a plan, keeps it real!

 

Now come on, SHUT UP AND DANCE with me!

 

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

Leave me alone! The perfect Mother’s Day Gift.

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“Happily Ever After” Self-Portrait with my two youngest.

What do you want for Mother’s Day?

I want to be left alone. Yes, that does sound selfish, and it is… a little bit, but it’s the truth. What I need though…is a day, a day where I’m not needed. A day to myself, to do whatever I want. Even if that means sleeping until noon, not brushing my teeth, and eating cupcakes for dinner. I want to pee without having a conversation through the door, or better yet… without my kids watching me because they have to be in there with me. I want to grab a snack without having to sneak it or share it. I want to watch T.V., and not only watch it, but hear it. I don’t need to be taken out for dinner. That is not relaxing at all.

“Where’s my food?”

“I’m hungry”

“I want what she has.”

“I need to go potty.”

“She’s kicking me.”

“What’s that?”

“Can I have a bite?”

“I’m not hungry.”

Sigh……..

Please…. leave me alone! I love you all, but go!

I feel guilty saying that I want to be left alone, it sounds as if I don’t love my children, which is not the case at all.

For me, Mother’s Day has always been about the kids though. “What can we do that they’d enjoy?” I know they feel good when they make something for me, get me a gift, or take me out.  Which is why I will sit back, smile, and accept everything that comes my way on Mother’s Day like I do every year. Maybe that makes me a good mom. Maybe that makes me an idiot.

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Mother’s Day 2014, because ‘Rainforest Cafe’ is for me. Not!

To all the mom’s out there who make sacrifices day in and day out, you guys rock!

Happy Mother’s Day!

If you know anyone that can relate, please share this post, and give them a hug, or some wine…or Vodka. Yeah, screw the hug, wine and Vodka makes more sense.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

 

 

Par-ent-hood: a sexually transmitted disease

 

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Definition: Par-ent-hood  noun

A sexually transmitted disease caused by the inability to think straight during throes of passion.  An infection of sorts, causing lifelong trauma to the human psyche.

While there is no immediate cure, studies have found that Parenthood will often come to a halt after years of pain and suffering, finally ending with ones own sweet, sweet death.  The journey to this recovery is a long drawn out process, one to which you will experience the following symptoms:

Bleeding from ears

Constant ringing sounds

Heightened sensitivity to clutter

Claustrophobia

Lack of personal space

Loss of breathe

Bouts of fury and rage

Heart palpitations

Elevated stress levels

Migraine headaches

Hair loss

Bleeding tongue

Monetary limitations

While some symptoms are more severe than others, be cautioned.  Moments of euphoria will occur from time to time, giving the illusion and false pretense that contracting the disease was well worth it.  One might notice moments of euphoria in the lives of others with this disease and be led to believe that Parenthood is in fact not as severe as it sounds.  Don’t be blinded by the hype.  For every euphoric moment, a double dose of what the fuck will immediately follow.

Please be informed and make educated decisions to prevent contracting this life debilitating disease.  Precautions that one could take to help keep Parenthood at bay, include but are not limited to:

Abstinence

Removal of libido

Masturbation as the only form of pleasure

Double bagging it

Suicide

Examples:

Sally was an active member of society until she contracted Parenthood and died a miserable death.

You seem so happy not being able to do everything you wanted to do in life, way to control your Parenthood!

PARENTHOOD:

Some days I am faced with two choices : Laugh or Cry, today I chose laugh.  I truly do love being a mother.  Believe it or not, my kids were all planned pregnancies.  That’s right, I did this to myself (well, my hubby helped), but I do question why some days.  Not in a serious “why” way, but more of a joking, ha ha, I’m losing my fucking mind kind of way.

Being a mom was my big goal, my aspiration in life.  Some people might think that’s crazy, let’s face it, just about any woman can get knocked up.  I didn’t dream of going to college and working my way up some corporate ladder though.  I had dreams of being home with kids.  Of course the home in my dreams had unicorn riding fairies that would come in and keep things neat and tidy, while the little leprechauns, wait, not leprechauns- those fuckers creep me out.  While little trolls, wizards, magicians, elves filled the house with laughter and joy.  That’s the type of stupid shit you dream of before you have kids.  I know now that it’s not fairies and elves, but more like a tutu wearing, PMS suffering Satan on a mission to reek havoc by creating loud constant shrieking.  Like the “most annoying sound in the world” from ‘Dumb and Dumber’, only more annoying and less funny.  Even with all that said, I do love being a mom.  Parenthood is one of the best things to have happened in my life.  Without it, I would probably be somewhere sipping Mimosas poolside while mute men rub me down and feed me grapes, who the fuck wants that? or I could have ended up in a dead end job, doing the same thing day in and day out, wishing for more out of life.  That would more likely have been the case.  Either way– I love my job!  I love my job! I love my job!  If you say it enough, you start to believe it.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

I’m not thankful for……

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In the spirit of Thanksgiving Day, I decided that instead of listing out all of the things I’m thankful for, I’m going to just list some of the shit I am not thankful for at the moment.

I truly am grateful for all of the good things in my life. I have a lot of good to celebrate, but I’m thankful on a daily basis for those things.  I’m always happy and appreciative of what I have going for me.  However, I feel like all I have seen throughout my other social media accounts today is the same ole, same ole, “I’m thankful for my family, blah, my life, blah, my blah, blah, blah.”  I guess I find it irritating as some of my friends bitch about everything, everyday.  They actually needed a holiday to be grateful for the good in their lives.   Yes, I’m thankful for my family too, and my kids, health, and for not being homeless, etc, etc. dot, dot, dot. I’m always thankful, so I think it only makes sense for me to use this day to point out some of the things I’m not thankful for.

I’m not thankful for how my younger two kids can’t seem to nap at the same fucking time.

I’m not thankful that my 11 year old seems to cry at the drop of a hat now that she is going through puberty.

I’m not thankful that the only way to have sex some days is by pretending that I need my husbands help in the basement, so the kids don’t figure it out.

I’m not thankful for how incredibly dusty my house is right now.

I’m not thankful for having a family of six and both cars only being 5 passenger.

I’m not thankful for the lack of time I get to myself most days.

I’m not thankful for never having enough time to blog, or sleep, or work, or slack off.

I’m not thankful that my “real work” is so behind.

I’m not thankful that this year flew by.

I’m not thankful for blowing my diet today. ( And for the last 4 weeks!)

I’m not thankful for the stupid tattoos I got between the ages of 16 and 17. (This is why 18 is the required age I guess.)

I’m not thankful that this is the last year I will be in my 30’s.

I’m not thankful that it took me so long to find the love of my life.

I’m not thankful for letting some of the little things get to me.

I’m not thankful for good things happening to shitty people. (This bothers me the most.)

I’m not thankful for turning what I thought would be a funny post into a bitchy rant.

I guess I should stop here then.

Back to being thankful.

Thanks for reading.

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

What’s in a word?

It’s hard to write erotic stories and poems when you have children.  Mostly because they seem to ruin certain words and phrases that you would typically use for erotic writings.  Some phrases I try not to say to my kids anymore, because when I do, I feel so wrong.

-You are such a naughty girl!

-Bad girl!

-Don’t be so fresh!

-Blow on it.

-Lick it clean.

-Want me to spank you?

-Why is that so hard?

-Give it to her!

-Pet the kitty.

-Come.

-Let me kiss it.

-Does that feel good?

-Let me smell it

(no, I’m kidding about that last one,

you don’t want to ‘smell’ anything in erotica

unless it’s like candles or something good)

 

That’s just to name a few.

 

“Type hard! Like you mean it!”