I worry it’s drooling, my vagina.

 

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This is me, trying to look all bad-ass.

This morning started out like most mornings.  I woke up, put on some active wear, and hit the weights. One of my favorite days, leg day. I do legs twice a week.  Since my workout on Tuesday I’ve barely been able to walk. My legs reached that jello stage.

Convincing myself that I’m invincible I carried on with my plan to shape my ass into something that doesn’t look…um…what’s a good word for, “I had three kids, gained a ton of weight, cottage cheesy”? Yeah, that.

I blasted some music, got myself into this apparent ‘beast mode’ that most people claim to be in when they work out, got under the bar, and started doing some split-squats. They are not new to me, I’ve done them plenty of times. We have a love hate relationship, really… they suck, but in a good for you kind of way. I fucking hate them!

I got my left leg done, moved to the right side, and as soon as I started to squat I could feel something tear, pull, cramp, hurt, try to break free from beneath my skin. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little, but it hurt like fucking hell. Enough so that I had to call it quits, skipping the rest of my workout.

My only option at that point was to crawl upstairs from out of my basement and ice it.  I sat down, made myself comfortable, and got the ice under me. The muscle that hurt was near my inner thigh/hamstring/ass. After sitting there for a good amount of time, I got up and noticed that the ice went ahead and numbed my damn vagina. Don’t worry though, it was just the right side. :/ Like a shot of Novocaine to the mouth, I couldn’t feel it. Trust me, I touched it… you know, just to be sure. It’s odd, standing there with only partial feeling in your vagina. Like when your cheek goes numb at the dentist. You start to wonder if you’re drooling. Is my vagina drooling? Is it leaking? Hanging lower on that side? Did I just pee? Sigh…

“Type hard, like you mean it!”

 

 

 

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Vagina, Vagina, Vagina – It’s just a word!

vagina

Unless you work at an OBGYN office I’m pretty sure you don’t say vagina enough during the course of the day. Me? I say vagina all day, everyday. I say it mostly to irritate my 11 year old daughter. Why? Because I’m a jerk like that, that’s why.  Did I mention she hates the word vagina? (hence the me being a jerk part).

See….I’ve been in the process of teaching my toddler that this thing is called a vagina.  Because as a parent, you need to teach your children things and spend time with them every so often so that they think you really care.

I thought about teaching her other names for it, but I think that would really confuse the kid.  Like “wipe your flower”, sounds like you should smell it, or “that’s your pee-pee”– if that’s your “pee-pee” then what do you call the actual pee?  or “that’s your privates”– sounds like it’s that thing we don’t speak of— like Voldemort, Candyman, or how I devoured 10 boxes of Girl Scout cookies on my own over the course of 3 days. So yeah, I think it’s easier to stick with the actual name…..vagina!

Wait….I went off on a tangent there.  Anyway, for some reason my 11 year old thinks that it is completely inappropriate to say vagina, which is strange because she tells me that she looks forward to swearing.  Go figure.  Kids are dumb! Her repulsion to the word and her constant protest, “stop staying that!” is just encouragement for me to say it more, I already told you that I’m a jerk like that. I’m trying to help her get over her disgust with the word vagina and be immune to hearing it. It’s just a word for crying out loud. Right?

During the course of the holidays I had my in-laws over at my home. With the exception of a couple of them, they are far more conservative than I will ever be. By the end of the night however I had everyone saying vagina like it was a common household greeting. It’s stuff like this that makes me feel like I’m winning at life…..pathetic I know. It’s the little things.

I was really making progress with my daughter though, she was starting to see that there really was no big deal with the word vagina.  I mean even her grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles were saying it. But I think my next conversation might have ruined any progress I made with her and I’m pretty sure she lost all respect for me at the same time.

I was in a room with my mother, husband, and my three daughters (my step-daughter was not there):

Me: “Hey! Guess what we all have in common?”
11 year old: “What?”
Me: “We’ve all touched my vagina at one point.”

Aaaannnnnnddd……..that’s where I lost her.

Every once in a while she seems comfortable with me saying vagina, that’s when I take the opportunity to ask her how she feels about the word “penis.”

Muhahahaha……..

It’s a vicious cycle, but I have to entertain myself.

Vagina, Vagina, Vagina! As Dora the Explorer would say, “Say it with me.”

I’ve obviously been watching a lot of Nick Jr. lately. Sigh……

If you could use a good laugh and are curious about what other vagina names there are then just follow the link below for some alternative suggestions. But read all of my shit first….then go there….then come back and read more. Okay? Good. Here you go:

Sloppy list of vagina names (because the list isn’t that neat, not to be confused with sloppy vagina– two totally different things.)

“Type hard. Like you mean it!”

“We don’t put crayons in our vagina”……and other things I’ve said to my kids.

crayons

In case you were wondering, we don’t put crayons in our vagina. Not in my house anyway.

Some days I’m surprised by what I have to tell my kids and other days I’m so immune to the shit that comes out of my mouth it’s not even funny. I don’t remember being taught some of these lessons as a child, but I must have been…..right? I mean—-I’m not shoving crayons up my hoo-ha now that I’m an adult. I just assumed that some things went without saying. I’ve compiled a list of things I have had to say to my kids. Most of them seem like no brainers. Keep in mind that my kids are 7 months old, 20 months old, 11 years old and 14 years old, and all girls. You’d be surprised at which kid had to be told what, not as obvious as one might think. But I’ll leave that to you to draw your own conclusions.

“We don’t put crayons in our vagina.”

“Don’t touch your poop.”

“Don’t repeat that at school.”

“When I said don’t write on the walls……of course I meant the ceiling too.”

Seriously!!  Those are marks left behind from trying to erase all the little drawings and outlines of feet. Ugh!

Seriously!! Those are marks left behind from trying to erase all the little drawings and outlines of feet. Ugh!

“Mumma was just being silly when I said, “eat the baby”. We don’t really eat the baby.”

“Don’t touch the cat’s butt!”

“I don’t want to stare at your poop. Flush the toilet.”

“Did you remember to wipe?”

“We don’t leave used tampons on the sink! I don’t care if it’s wrapped in toilet paper.”

“No- you can’t play with a piece of raw chicken.”

“Don’t lick ______.” The cat, the table, my leg, my feet.

“Don’t smell ______.” The Garbage, the cat’s butt, my feet.

“Fingers out of ______.” Your diaper, your nose, my nose, your sisters nose, the outlet, the cat’s bowl, the cats puke, my face, my ear, my mouth, my hair, the peanut butter, the jelly.

“No- Silly—-you are not a “pot head”, you just have a pan on your head.”

“Oh. No-no. “Douche bag” is a bad word, not a real bag– don’t use that word.”

“Don’t smell that.”

“Don’t touch that.”

“Don’t eat that.”

“Don’t lick that.”

“What is that?”

 

 

“Type hard! Like you mean it.”